And if I could control my bullet points, that would be better. However, we're not there today. Today, it's all suppose to be complaints, but there are too many to number.
How do you think it feels? The world has just witnessed how weak the rest of the world thinks America is. Its September 2001. After today, how wrong could the world go inside our little family. We wouldn't know for nearly two months.
November 1, 2001. The day the world became nothing and hatred led the way. Momma dropping us girls off at the middle school, watching her stop at the red light, and take the right turn to drop James off at the elementary school. Little did we know, we wouldn't see her when we returned home that evening, and it would take nearly 48 hours for her to make contact. For heavens sake, she couldn't help but call on his birthday, on her birthday, on their birthday. In twelve days, I'll be fourteen.
Who knew being born on Friday the thirteenth (Nov 1987) could bring so much shit to one life.
Who knew, this many years later (its been nearly thirteen) all I want is for her to say the right thing.
All I want is for him to realize, he failed miserably as a father, a single parent, and as what was suppose to be a life long friend, the one man who would never judge, the one with all the right answers, the one man who was suppose to love without question. After all, you are suppose to be HIS DAUGHTER.
What terrible people they were, are. What terrible things they did. What horrid things their children witnessed in those few short years. Those are the memories that I want to be rid of. Yet, they are the ones, the bad, the scary, the fighting, the crashes, the tears that wont leave me.
YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. Always!
March 2014. I sit here wondering what could have been different. Had they never crossed paths, sure I might not be here, but then, neither would all the bad.
Your children look up to you no matter what situation life gives them. They want to know they can handle this because YOU (dad and mom) believe in them more than they can ever conceive. You love them beyond what human kind thinks is appropriate. You show them they mean the world and more to you. Nothing is ever too good for them, you put that thought in their head. Dont let them think otherwise, or they might end up here, in someones basement, wondering, instead of living.
March 15, 2014. Saturday, sitting here listening to country music (it calms my heart), finishing this bottle of rum, thinking to myself, YOURE BETTER THAN THIS, yet knowing Im not ready to change the situation, simply cause I HATE CHANGE!
Oh Emily, clear your mind. What is it you want the most right now?
My brains answers, 'hand me that glass of rum'.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Over a Month Later.
My brain is at ease today. I made it so. I went out on my own for a little bit today to clear my mind. I woke up to a full brain making lots of noise. It was good to be by myself for that short bit.
And then, to the good stuff thats been eating my brain waves for over a month now! This might feel even better!
It constantly amazes me (i know it shouldn't anymore) how stupid people are. Now, I'm not calling them stupid. I came across them this way, and they amaze me, most of the time. How can you be so clueless to everyday happenings? How are you so lost in the city in which you grew up in? How do I know more about whats happening (when I'm trying my hardest not too) than you?!
How do I know, not only is she pregnant again! but also married? I'm more confused on the 'Married' front. Shes already thrown away one child. Do I believe the 'New Husband' can help her come to realize that this child is desperate for her? Stop being your mother! Keep your kids close. Tell them a million times a day you LOVE them (once is NEVER enough). They mean the WORLD to you and more, tell them daily. If you're not able to do that this time around, then yes, garbage that child like the last. Give them more chances than that hell family, that garbage of a woman. Do you really think she can offer more to YOUR child than you ever could? YOU'RE WRONG!
Then again, this is coming from someone who is still more than a hundred percent against all they showed us. The fights, the emergencies, the police, the therapists. The strangers who looked down on us, even at CHURCH. The counselors, the Bishops, the youth leaders who didn't know what to say, or how to act. They simply did not understand, and did not know the right questions to avoid an emotional breakdown. The friends that turned their backs on us, they didn't know better. What do teenagers do when you tear them from everything they know, everything they can ever remember? Of course, thats where my blackouts start. When everything started falling apart, I lost my memory.
Some days, I'm okay with it. I cant change or go back and restore. I can only hold onto whats left floating through my brain even if they are the memories I don't want. Even when they are only the bad, the horrible and the 'want to die' memories.
2015, where are you, girl?
And then, to the good stuff thats been eating my brain waves for over a month now! This might feel even better!
It constantly amazes me (i know it shouldn't anymore) how stupid people are. Now, I'm not calling them stupid. I came across them this way, and they amaze me, most of the time. How can you be so clueless to everyday happenings? How are you so lost in the city in which you grew up in? How do I know more about whats happening (when I'm trying my hardest not too) than you?!
How do I know, not only is she pregnant again! but also married? I'm more confused on the 'Married' front. Shes already thrown away one child. Do I believe the 'New Husband' can help her come to realize that this child is desperate for her? Stop being your mother! Keep your kids close. Tell them a million times a day you LOVE them (once is NEVER enough). They mean the WORLD to you and more, tell them daily. If you're not able to do that this time around, then yes, garbage that child like the last. Give them more chances than that hell family, that garbage of a woman. Do you really think she can offer more to YOUR child than you ever could? YOU'RE WRONG!
Then again, this is coming from someone who is still more than a hundred percent against all they showed us. The fights, the emergencies, the police, the therapists. The strangers who looked down on us, even at CHURCH. The counselors, the Bishops, the youth leaders who didn't know what to say, or how to act. They simply did not understand, and did not know the right questions to avoid an emotional breakdown. The friends that turned their backs on us, they didn't know better. What do teenagers do when you tear them from everything they know, everything they can ever remember? Of course, thats where my blackouts start. When everything started falling apart, I lost my memory.
Some days, I'm okay with it. I cant change or go back and restore. I can only hold onto whats left floating through my brain even if they are the memories I don't want. Even when they are only the bad, the horrible and the 'want to die' memories.
2015, where are you, girl?
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