Rules... for the confidant

#51- Sometimes youre wrong. - NCIS Gibbsism

sometimes, its even okay to admit it. but today is not that day. today i refuse to admit youre right. you are wrong. same as you were wrong all those years ago. same as youll ever be wrong in all your living years to come.

and then, sometimes im wrong. i dont understand. i dont or cant accept your actions. i cant help what my brain tells me, compared to what my heart tells me. i want to believe what you say, but ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

you taught me that. so stop acting, and start telling the TRUTH

something else youve struggled with. something we all struggle with, genetic trait i think. LOL

im not sure youll ever have the opportunity to see your child again. frankly, i dont want to see you alive ever again. send me then funeral notice!!

 but thanks for whatever God thinks you actually contributed to my life. its sure been a pleasure.

my new year will involve less past and more future.

(frankly, i make the same one every year, but i cant forget.)

it pays to be sneaky....

Today, I failed. I was recognized at Kroger this afternoon. Not something I had planned for my day. Albeit, it was Sis. Kim Sherwood who spotted me. She'll always be remembered as the nice church lady. Her husband was the second or third Bishop I remember while attending church. Her eldest son Matthew was in my age group at church, and for a small while, a friend. Although, that term was distorted when Rachel and Jarrod showed up. That story is for another day, lol. The Sherwood family, while obviously not 'perfect', still had something to aspire too. And again, Ive failed. A family with five children, sure you know they struggled. While I dont know the whole story or upbringing with their Rachel, I know she was a sweet heart. Then there was Sarah. She was nice, older than me, still nice. A very sweet persona. Then Matthew, the crazy bear. That's how I remember him. And Joe, who was friends with my younger brother. He was funny. And I think I forgot about Sam. The youngest and possible craziest. From what I remember, hes like Taz-mania, always on the move. Always running through the halls of the church. Making a raucous in the gym after services. And yet still, they have something to be seen, that after watching everything in my family implode, you desperately want.

I dont know. Theres just something about seeing people from that period of time that upsets me. They watched ffrom the outside while my parents chose better for themselves than for their children. Yes, I also understand that there was nothing they could do or say without appearing to butt in, and lets face it, we still are no good at asking for help. But I was thirteen, and learning to hate everybody. The List merely started with Dad and Mom.  

And yes, it might be time to understand differently. But lets face this one more time. What would you do if your mother left you and your family, twelve days before your fourteenth birthday. And in the coming years, dad will be very neglectful (or just too damn busy, hes a master at that!) and shove off into the next whore house. I mean, how many times must a single lady in her, lets go late forties, early fifties break a stove, or washer in one week before you realize whats going on! Even I wasnt that stupid! But I clearly come from dumb ass people. Go Me!

Well, the Rum hasnt kicked in yet, so lets call it quits! I dont think going any further today would be any helpful. Might just hurt me more. Im not ready.

Why not make it DECEMBER

hmm, how to say whats on your mind, without offending a person? Am I in hell yet? I see that the only place it will work. :) strong, loud! minds deserve to be set free. and mine kinda wants to scream. (sure it aint gonna make a damn difference, but shouldnt that still count?) im just sick of the 'you need to be nicer' comments. you have that much issue with what i say, blame god, or science. without them id not be here, defending my idea to let my brain speak freely. It all depends on which side of the line you stand. Frankly being raised in the LDS Church, and raised in a severely (several times over) broken home, theres a lot of argument. Of course, understand, they cant/dont keep promises, and your feelings really dont matter. ha. is it appropriate to say, "Welcome to America" btw, it really aint that much better. Freedoms are still being questioned and revoked. Since when is it appropriate for such JUDGE to tell me, a person they had never met before my time in court with them, what to do with my body, given to me by chance? this body could have gone to some crazy male psychopath? do you see him standing here in front of you today? NO, because God/Science (which ever line you land on) said here, make Emily. and now, Emily wants to rant. Merry Christmas!!!!!!! OR in your case, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Thanksgiving Weekend

Oh my god, was it loud! Of course at Diane's, that's what you should always expect. Oh but the game. Dallas Won! YAY! The turkey was okay. We then celebrated birthdays and Christmas (for those leaving the area/state for the holiday) It was okay. I was so thankful the Dallas game was on while we were there or I'm not sure Id have been so calm. he he. And today was the Buckeye v Wolverine game! AMAZING! At the very end, it was very close. Michigan played very well. OHIO WON by ONE POINT! It was AMAZING! And AWESOME! And COOL! And just down right, we did it! We beat Michigan! And with an UNDEFEATED SEASON! 12-0! How awesome! Urban Meyer is an amazing coach, and obviously and amazing hire for Ohio State Football.

Women in combat: Three females march into history by completing Marine infantry training

Women in combat: Three females march into history by completing Marine infantry training

Is it Friday yet? I mean in 2015...

For some reason my 'a' button does not want to work properly. Its that time again, BIRTHDAY. It amazes me how fast time can disappear. At 26, I can say with a very happy heart, still no wedding/marriage, no baby, no anything that would constantly annoy, disappoint, or hurt me. Take a look around and you see siblings, married or not, with kids! We always said we wouldn't do what they did. The abandonment, and neglect. The people we have in our lives deserve better. Yet here you are, giving your own child away cause you don't want it. What the hell is wrong with you?! Getting pregnant by a high school friend so you'll never be alone, and then destroying what was a wonderful friendship. Now that child is left with a broken home and heart all because of you. She'll grow up constantly thinking, questioning the love/hate relationship her parents have. Why did they do that to their own kids?! Ya know, he kinda had a thought there. Question everything about your self and identity till it makes no damn sense, people look at you crazy and you can laugh it off. Of course, he was probably the most mentally damaged of us three. Mommy abandons you at ten, daddy starts neglecting you, hoe bag enters. Who wouldn't want to grow up in that story?! Come on!

So, in 26 years, I've managed to survive (ironically), in Hawaii get a permanent finger bump from some crazy door (or brother, who really knows now?). I've managed two surgeries, one an organ removal. I have a metal rod in my foot. I've lost all four wisdom teeth to Batman and Robin. That is still my favorite, funniest wake up in the hospital. I've suffered one seizure, seen pink elephants and spoken to a frog. Medical mysteries aside, i still think I'm in a different dead dimension.

I also think if this were real, the pain would not be killing my feet. I mean, Tylenol aside, I drink to cover the pain. But some days, I want to chop them off! At least I can forget.

Of course, I think forgetting might be something to turn around. I need the memory of growing up. I desperately want it. Not knowing what happened outside the horrible or heart breaking moments tears me up inside. I remember things, but they're rarely happy moments. I don't give a damn about the baptism anymore but that memory wont leave. I want to forget about Richard getting thrown into the entertainment center, but that wont leave. Or Bobby nearly dying after, as a young kid, knocking the emergency break out, and rolling back into the street.  These are the ones I don't need anymore, but I cant remember any happy ones. I don't have memories of birthday parties growing up. The one birthday gift I do remember the most is from Grandma Liz, racist bitch. Newspaper clippings, like OMG, my only wish!

How do you spell Oy vey! That's the way it comes out in my brain. Wow! Its a good day to be Emily. Every year, like I do, I take a look at my birth certificate. And like always, once again I realize I misspell my name everyday. Every single day. How sad. But to change everything to the proper spelling, the one on my birth certificate, would take hours. Why did I ask them to spell it for me that first time. I should have just asked to see the damn certificate. That would have avoided all this debacle.

I can say with a sure heart, they will never win the Best Parent of the Year award. They certainly dont deserve it!

this was suppose to be about me.

and you have no idea how many years i've been thinking that. i'm sick of it. which is probably why this post will be all my opinions. what the hell is up with people who all of a sudden, out of no whereness they get the idea to be offended by a team name/mascot that been around for years, decades, hell ages. what the hell is wrong with you people. do you think they started out trying to be offensive. is that the idea you got of current owners and fans. come on!!! like they had anything to do with it when the team/organization premiered!

so i heard about this site that apparently call out home-wreckers. i kinda want to see how many times Kaylins' name pops up. stupid bitch!

oh, but who am i to think my birthday should be all about me. normally, over the past couple of years, we've gone to c-bus to see amanda. worse, i don't know who for! like i care about seeing my boyfriends sister before the family holidays. no! i want to do what i want to do which does never involve forty five minutes of driving! what kind of fun is that! you wanna see your daughter then go, but don't make it about my damn birthday!!!

and how much longer are we gonna sit here? i wanna go home! Mississippi is callin!

what about living.......

there was a time when thinking, 'I remember when growing up I dreamed of being on stage like them, singing those beautiful songs, making people feel', made you realize, youre an old fart. but im only twenty-five. in less than a month, ill be twenty-six. yet all i think about when i see those Cassadee Pope commercials is, that couldve been me. i had a beautiful voice that rang the walls. i loved singing in school. but today, id prefer a smoke and a drink before getting on stage. total no-no when caring about your singing voice. oh, this is hard to admit. im very happy that you cant go back in time and change what could have been(or is). but today, when i think about next months big day, do i still have those dreams, or anything in the ballpark? hell no! today, i just want something to do. something that might force my brain to think beyond what circle do i choose today (its a food thing). whether it be as simple as frying potatoes and flipping burgers to 'hey, what sauce goes on this?' or even what color looks best against this curtain? i dont know. but my brain can only be so challenged by everyday events and books so far. it needs more now. and when there is a cat staring at you, begging for attention, you leave the computer on you game, turn away, and say 'here kitty love, i can pay attention for a few minutes. but i think dinner will be on the table in the next ten minutes, so i hope you make this worth your time, cause i wont be available for atleast, oh, till tomorrow. i mean, come on, Spot, its nearly eight o'clock and dinner is still in the oven'. LOL it aint so bad, having Captain brought to you with nothing expected in return. so if youre ever looking for the upside when living with your boyfriends parents, thats the only one ive found in ten months, although some days it does feel longer than that. hmm.

dont have any idea for this one

after all that has been said and done, you would think I would have something in my brain worth putting on paper. or what this is. But today, maybe it was the haircut, I have nothing to yell, argue, or complain about today. it might be Mother Nature, or it might be me, but today, my brain is oddly free. i walked, i talked to myself, i even bought an overly large white shirt for ninety-seven cents! maybe it can be pajamas, or an overly-large shirt over a tank top/camisole. given its short sleeve, and pretty much see-through white, i think it'll take a color tank top underneath. i like it! and the other new white shirt, that had kinda 'business' look to it. i dont know. but this reminds me, go apply to Macy's for a winter job. Christmas gifts!!! i hope.

Climber shatters Matterhorn speed record | GrindTV.com

this is pretty amazing!


Climber shatters Matterhorn speed record | GrindTV.com

who even reads this?

its not like im complaining that no one does. But if you do, i think less of you. My life isnt all that enjoyable. and this weekend into next week may actually be the best in nearly five years. and i find that very sad. five years. ive been waiting for something more exciting. do i have to come back? frankly, im not sure i want too. sorry folks, but theres always something better at the other end of the rainbow! this trip may be my rainbow..... or at least the start of the yellow brick road.

There is FUN being planned

No, seriously. Kevins parents are planning a Family Vacation to Topsail Island, North Carolina. Everyone going includes John, Joyce, Kevin, Amanda, Jacob, Jim, Julie, Phil, and myself. I'm not sure if it will occur in late July or early August, but I've never been, so it will be tons of fun, I hope. Im scared at the same time. I might find something on that beach. Am I ready to take that chance? I hope so, cause if not. Uh-oh. Might be difficult to explain, but it could be troubling. And too late. Hmm.....

you know that feeling

You know that feeling you get inside when nothing feels right? I have that a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure why just yet. Of course, me not feeling comfortable in my own body could have a lot to with it. I want to exercise everyday, but it hurts my feet too much. I want to run again, but I can barely do the stairs ten times in a row anymore. That was a goal to beat when I knew I'd be walking the stairs everyday. Just finished watching the season finale of PSYCH. Awesome show! Sad to Chief Karen Vick go. And he fired Buzz. What is with that!! I do not like this guy. He's kind of a butt.

Sunday

dont know what makes me cry.
have too much clutter for a clear thought.
feel more out of control than usual.
body working against me more often.
feet more painful than ever.
on a new journey, harder than imagined.
rarely smile just to smile.

day three

havent done much with the weather keeping me inside. only walked the steps, an everyday activity. i absolutely hate the rain, actually any cold weather. it makes my bones hurt and causes bouts of depression. hopefully the sun and clear skies will be back sooner than later. i need them bad.

started working out again

day two. pretty boring stuff. spent about thirty minutes in the yard digging up weed beds. an hour walking crazy circles in the house. and the last thirsty minutes with a heavier than needed cardio and core strengthening. like i said, pretty boring. have another hour of crazy eight walking waiting till after dinner. lets hope dinner is before nine o'clock tonight. last night, didn't finish dinner till after eight. now i have a slight headache, no need for PK, can wait till food. hopefully as the days go by, this stuff won't seem so boring. ha ha.

drunk? where?

i dont know where he felt the right to speak to me like that. it was absolutely degrading. and turn around and look at the nearly ten to twelve empties just from last night! so shut your face, dummy. how do i get so angry over all the stupid things that make sense at the moment, then later regretful cause its really that stupid. im not sure that made sense. lol.

’We got him!’: Boston bombing suspect captured alive

’We got him!’: Boston bombing suspect captured alive

Beautiful Dau

the sun was shining, the clouds were moving, the trees were whistling in the wind. And all but complete with a bout of hiccups. I love the hiccups! NOT! they are the worst pain ive ever felt in my chest. i wish there were a way to permanently get rid of them. that would be so wonderful!!! but now to a quiet evening with the Capt. oh, we got a new bowl today. a swirling pale green like thing. its so cool! i like it a lot. yum! yum!

Can people really change?

Well, that depends on how you view 'people'. Ordinarily  most seem to think change is difficult or unnecessary. What these people don't understand is that change takes time. It can take days, months or even years to take notice. While some want change immediately, others need to understand it can't happen overnight. Overnight dreams are crazy stupid, in my opinion. While I myself hate change, I also know now, it needs to happen in order to GROW. And growing is a very important part of the human experience. We all need to cherish our own experience. Don't hate change, accept it. Accept it like you need to accept nobody was ever promised a tomorrow. Cherish today like it was ever changing! And love every moment...

something easier

There must be something much more interesting and so very much easier out there. I wonder how far away it is?? Is it even worth looking for at this point? Walking away from awesomeness is not something I'm familiar with. Circumstances suck, but the situation does not, always. Hmm.

found on facebook

For all my Ohio friends: This is hilarious!

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohio...If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Ohio. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Ohio. If you've had a lengthy telephone ...conversation with someone who dialed a wrong... number, you may live in Ohio. If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dayton for the weekend, you may live in Ohio. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio. If you install
security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Ohio. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Ohio friends and others can see,you definitely do live - or have lived - in OHIO! =)

never enough time

theres never enough time in the day to do what you really want. i want to run, be free, have free thoughts roam again. i miss my think out loud sessions. they were very very helpful when it came to clear my head. now im fearful of what someone might hear or say. now i dont want to let loose with anything. there are now too many ears listening in. that annoys, deprives and angers me. that makes me sad and tired. im so tired now, all the time. i want to sleep or drink all the time. i never want to leave the warmth of this house, which is also very annoying. and now, if i open my mouth there might come offensive words that piss someone off and then im homeless. ofcourse i could go look for help but the help i want is no longer close enough. anger boiling over unlike that bean soup Joyce is cooking for dinner. oh, bean soup? i get they like beans, but basic bean soup? hopefully theres more than just beans and ham bone fall offs. oh joy!

you stupid idiot

im so happy for you.

for your job

for your home

for your life

for your happiness

for your dog.

im so happy for you that life was so easy.

im so happy for you not having to struggle to find out if mommy or daddy love you.

so happy for you and all the days you get to blow money out your ass, for no apparent reason.

and here i sit, day after day, application after apllication, just hoping the damn phone will ring with McDonalds calling with a job offer.

so get back up on your horse, in your nice and warm office building and shut up. some of us werent handed everything in life, from education to cars, to phone plans. that one still makes me laugh. my favorite of yall is the one leaving a family dinner from grandmas, you and your sister didnt eat a thing, and ask for McD's, you still got it, didnt you??

and here weve been scraping pennies for daily essentials. how often to you count pennies?? i imagine not very often washing that damn dog with Herbal Essence shampoo/conditioner.

and now i have to apologize to anyone who might find offense in this. Im Sorry. sometimes though, it is very helpful and healthy to vent.

Drug-resistant malaria in Thailand threatens deadly global ’nightmare’

Drug-resistant malaria in Thailand threatens deadly global ’nightmare’