chistmas needs to hurry

last Sunday we went to Kevin's uncle toms home for the first family Christmas exchange since most will be out of town this Sunday. they're being weird and going to the beach for Christmas, in north Carolina. i always thought that area was cold and snowy this time of year. i dont know. i ended up with more bath stuff from bath and body works. fun fun. it wasn't all fun though cause i was a little sick. my ear has been in a lot of pain recently. this Sunday Kevin's parents are holding another celebration, i think its more for jakes sake than anybody cause we could have taken care of all this by now. but hey, they're not my family. just a bunch of strange people related to Kevin.

today i made pizza!! it was delicious. beef and bacon and oh so yummy. one of these days however im gonna have to remember to photograph the entire process. that would be a fun photo-story. :)

here one moment, looking very delicious

gone the next, having tasted very delicious! :)

this is why i hate god

sure it may have all started with the parents but this week, god sucks ass! why am i in so much pain while the men of earth can walk around pain free. that's not fair!!!! god is unfair. god is also a jackass, but that's another day. i know you're not suppose to hate but omg this week everyone deserves to be hated.

poo on you for that remark

i know i can be an angry, indecisive, not nice person. heres a thought, if you cant live with that, leave ya bitch!  dont care what people think 90% of the time, and when i do care i tend not to listen. but hey. what are you gonna do to a girl stuck ten years in the past not wanting to find answers anymore?? i drink, and i love drinking and i wont stop drinking. see i dont want kids. i haven't wanted kids since big brothers three babies came to live with us when i was like ten. you try raising a baby girl that's not yours at age ten cause mommy's at work, daddy's at school and the babies parents are so far up their own butts they lost the kids to begin with. i dont want kids. i will do everything i can think of to my body to prevent kids. id rather smoke silly and drink dill death than have kids. now if hell just understand maybe life can move forward one more time.... LOL

babes need a home

beer pong

(way old post from way back when. i love finding things...) while im generally not one who normally drinks beer, last night was fun! we went over to ben and johnsons for beer pong and video games. kevin let ben borrow one of the modern warfare games. kevs already beaten the campaign. last night though i think we won two or three games. it was really fun, someone thinking of the nickname bouncers. i think thats funny. next friday theres some beer pong tournament. kevs already signed up to play. im not sure i want to drink that much beer in one night without the possibility of food being available. im gonna get the munchies. you just know theres gonna be spice. i really do enjoy hanging out with the guys kevin works with.

people once asked

how do people forget things so easily? how can i make it so i dont remember? i remember so many things that would be better left alone. i hate to see me suffer. OK, so maybe that's selfish, but im tired. i hate feeling this way. depression literally has the ability to suck the life of you. some days i wish my would overtake me. just throw in the towel and suck my brain away. tens years and im still having nightmares, sweats, bad thoughts about everything.
to me its about time to change, and i hate change. its weird cause i cant stand not change either. does that make any sense?? every couple of months i have to rearrange my home because i get so bored by it. but anything bigger change kills. i hate it. but i cant stand to be here anymore. i want out of my own personal hell. i dont think that's ever going to happen.
i created a safe place that turned dark. i tried to hide, but they always found me. i need safe and controlled. i cant find either. i want so badly to move on. but it seems impossible. even more so around the holidays, when im bombarded with memories, some of which aren't even mine. i hate memories of mom, i despise them. of course i despise her more. who does that? who give birth to a child they never wanted? who hides the truth from their kids for nearly ten years? what kind of person does that take?
yeah, ive been lying to a lot people over the last two years, but no child is involved. no innocent soul will be hurt by my decisions today, and im okay with that. how was she okay with that? how did she bring me into a world where she never wanted me? whats worse, i have to often ask myself the same question about bobby. did she ever want bobby?
in my opinion only people who wed while pregnant are in it for the wrong reason. getting married for a child that neither planned or wanted is tortuous. and that's what they've done to me. ten years and im still hurting like it was yesterday. ten years, and still no honesty. they cant even decide who stepped out first. jen once told me this crazy story about them and therapy. and when i went to ask, it was all different. everything that had been said to me was backwards.
how do you do that to an innocent soul? how can you live with the fact that's shes hurting all the time? how do you wake up and feel? im tired of feeling. im ready to run again, which is very bad. im very happy with Kevin  just not with me. that makes me want to run away. that makes me want to follow her. that makes me want to be her.

oh dear lord

oh my!! like no way@! i cant believe this!!!!! im so menstrual and pissed, well floating through the entire range of human emotion these last few days, i dont like it!!!! its time to shut the brain down for good. now how do i do that>!>!>!>>! im serious. im so sick of my brain, id rather be dead at this point than listen to what its thinking! i hate my brain. and this month only makes everything worse... god i hate this!!! i hate this!! i hate this!!!!!

birthday week

oh man. November really does suck. had dinner Sunday night with Kevin's parents.... delicious chicken. then Monday we went to Columbus to see Jake and Amanda. Julie even went with us. Amanda purchased me some items from bath and body works. they all smell so awesome. for dinner we went to bdubs where Jim joined us. it was overall a decent birthday, but i am so sick of celebrating a day that means nothing to me anymore. any who here are photos of us and such. the kitties are getting so pretty and since there's five of them really annoying. lol.

 cinnamon streusel bread which was delicious. i used extra cinnamon in the bread as well as on top.

 the kittens with Sylvester. such cuteness

 seriously!!!

 all cozied up together.

 babes finally learning to eat dry food

 they seem to handle it very well

 brownie cupcakes i made early to celebrate my birthday. they were delicious. but i forgot to photograph them before they made it to the bag. and of course they didn't last long. :)

 princess cozied up with the babies

 OK either spicy or drunk but Kevin decided to start building things with the empty jars.

 dont recall actually taking this. i think its nice

 Kevin, my sexy man!

 babes sleepy

 Kevin's favorite

 i prefer this one of the cat :)

 Kevin with wild hair!!!

and Kevin with slick hair

veterans day!

a day i would normally be totally okay with celebrating, but if my own father (the retired marine) refuses to share, then i shall not. that seems appropriate. so instead i baked rum brownies, finished the delicious spaghetti, and now will nap the next seven hours away, or so i wish. any who.... photo updates coming soon, i promise!!

Wittles looking for a home

were still unsure of the sexes, but this little one needs a home. for now ive nicknamef this one wittles. it had more dofficulty learning to walk. here are the most recent photos of this beauty....

here asleep with Sylvester..... they are the cuddliest kittens ever

playing in the laundry. the other kitten was chasing this one around the basket

just such adorableness :)

our government currently sucks butt!

look at them! another shutdown looming over our heads because congress cant get along with a man the nation elected. they cant sit for ten minutes without yelling or spreading scandals from twenty some years ago. omg! today ive been reapplying to just about everywhere i can think of and wouldnt you know, most are telling me i cant for another three months. that will be February. i cant live off nothing till then. we have barely enough money for rent, gas, phone (used literally it seems only for emergencies or calling his parents). now we cant afford groceries. even the farmers market in these areas are so outrageously priced in my opinion. krogers should always be more expensive then the guys selling out of the back of their trucks. not this year it seems. and now that its getting cold, ive no choice but krogers. to make it seem like im getting more for the dollar ive decided to make treats and hopefully bread from scratch. it appears to cost less. now all i have to do is learn to make pasta from scratch. then well only need the grocery store for meat and dairy products. i can live with that!! i think... in the end all i really want is for people to forget and then we can disappear from this horrid place.

November crap month

a bunch of photos starring the kitties galore... :)