might have too do daily logs until the computer is back top its normal self

Wed Nov 19 2014
SparkPeople 21157 steps; 390 minutes + 6.67 miles

personal: realized there are feelings there.

i feel like you don't get this thirteen years later

and that's just the title of this ridiculous post!
that is how much anger is sitting here waiting for you to give a damn, biggest mistake of my life!

1671 starts this session

Let's be frank, I should seriously have a session, with an actual psychologist, not some flimsy you found in the white pages.

I am sad
I am depressed
I am angry
Worse, I feel mad
I have hate towards people I have never met
I choose not to meet her
Dumb Bitch

Worse, Option A


Thanks pop!

I shouldn't be getting after your stupid brain

Let's face it

I am more angry at Kirsten. Kate. What the fuck ever!
She Left Us.

a phrase i was reluctant too at first. I had to come around to their feelings. I was insulted, but not the only one.

She Hurt More Than Me.

Kirsten, You Broke My Heart (before I knew it existed)

but, But, BUT, how am I suppose to know?

Yes,
Thirteen Years.

That's how old I was.
Dropping us girls off, waiting for the light to change, and that right turn.

Did J know what was happening when he got dropped off?
Did anyone else wake with that sick feeling in their gut?

Thirteen years, a long time ago.
Twenty-Seven, here I come.

Lets make sure it hurts in the end.

Nothing

Nothing stays buried forever.

You should know that best.

how, How, HOW

each way you type that, a new meaning comes forward.

how am i suppose to trust people who have lied in the past. that is your honest face. i would know!!

if only you could hear me.

there is not that much left to yell at you.
it's no longer coming from the heart.
this is rage and hate.
the voices are slowly dwindling
the pain is more deep
from a place i'm not familiar with, yet.

thirteen years.
it's literally been twice that.
my soul hurts.



you cursed fool!


*here's your sign

Sometimes.......

sometimes i wanna ask the mexican


where does the anger and rage stem from

sometimes i wanna ask the white side (as racist as that comes across)

where do i get the right



im no better than them.
what makes me think otherwise?!


parent o'mine

you fucked up
you screwed  your children into something worse than denial




those poor souls........



I AM SORRY

i'm extremely upset

i can't speak my mind
i can't express myself freely
and it annoys me beyond hell, i think
this is plain stupid!!!
i think my brain had a time limit to the blow up point.


make yourself's comfortable

you've not have any idea

YOU'RE A CHEATER.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE SIMPLE.

YOU TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING

I DON'T TRUST YOU

BOTTOM'S  UP!!c

i have no idea how to respond to this crr]\]

there is a lt f re cnfiguratione

you are a terrible person

And I hate you.

Simple is the best, right?

You, after all I did not bother to consider,
That is A huge problem.
.
Matter and definition can take

You understand

Completely unknown

I think myself a kept person..... lol

Believe you me, I know how funny that sounds.
I've been biting the tree for some weeks now.

I can't find the balance

and the brain stopped dead in fear

thanks R & K

Scotland(?) and Mexico are so well off

CONGRATS MA, you are the best...........

Today, we remember

to the one
to the 3,000
to the falling man
to the face in the smoke
to a nation, forced to recognize
to a president who understood, looking at the faces of the future
to a military, who above all serve and protect
and to the individual who stood with more pride than before

this one is for you.
In Remembrance of September 11, 2001

Wondering is What We Do

I told you once that everything would be okay.
Like you told me, years earlier.

We Both Lied.

And now, sitting here this August evening, I wonder.
I wonder how I came about?
I wonder what were you drinking?!
I wonder what either of you saw in each other, 'cause all I ever found was nastiness.
I wonder how much of that was given to your children, stupid blood.
I wonder if you still lie to your children.
I wonder what would possibly stop you??

It's not like love and respect ever got in the way.

I wonder what you think when you think of Heaven.
I wonder if you know your place in History.

Cause I can say with simplicity, it aint pretty.

Ya'll lyin', stealing, chicken shits of a person.

How do you do this?
Nearly Thirteen Years later! Did you know that?! I was thirteen when you walked away. I was thirteen watching you turn at the light. I was thirteen coming home that evening to a dark house with them, not knowing. Thirteen Years! I guess thats all it takes with you. Lets throw in the towel now, before we get too invested/interested. Why waste more time? You're terrible.

It might be time to go to a place where I belong. You never should have left home. You despicable eww, (you don't deserve the title).

There's too much.

I don't understand this.
I don't yet know.
I have too many feelings that have no explanation. They all muddle together, like my blood.
It's all too confusing.

If I die young, bury me in Satin. Lay me down to a bed of lily's (roses are overstated when it comes to love). Meet me with the river, like the days of old. Send me away with the words of a Love Song.
Life isn't always what is expected. Well, I've had enough time here.  Love doesn't last forever. My life was not short. My life was plentiful, and amazing. At the same time it was disastrous, it was beautiful. That time it was meaningful, it was also THC-infused, and alcohol-induced.
That's the way of life this 2014 year.

With all the bad, there will come good. Before the best, come the worst. There are a million ways to state this simple idea. But most important, you make sure to ENJOY, even if it is only one day. Enjoy Life! Live your loudest at the end. Love the strongest until the days gone. Be yourself, love yourself, respect yourself. Show the world you are worth it! They won't know any better until they see what you're capable of.

Love. there will likely be no other greater reason for life than this.

Laugh. especially at yourself. it is important!

Explore. what ever looks interesting. here you will find life.

And never turn off the Country Radio. It may save your life one day. It does mine.

See ya soon!

at one point in everyones' life, they feel like the special one

but today, like the last six months. they have felt like 'advantage taken' from others. im not the doctor, the nurse, or the 'in-home help' most pay for. I am the girlfriend, the add-on, the extra. im not the daughter, the help, or the mean one. Im realistic. Ive seen life from the ugly side, and it aint pretty. Ive seen families torn apart over nothing, and everything. Ive been there at school, while they finalize their divorce, with no voice in the situation. Wouldn't we all like to be that voice, even just once?!

Im sorry I cant forget.
I will never be sorry for not forgiving people (even worse, parents) who dont (or worse cant) care enough for the lives they brought forth.

Ya'll made the stupidest decision that fateful day way back when. Now, I'm living with your consequences from that horrid choice.

Friday the Thirteenth cant come fast enough.

maybe then, that special feeling will return. death.

I cant possibly be ready

When you abandon your children, your family, you must expect the worse at all times. Even after one daughter comes looking and you cant or worse, refuse to answer the most simple, why? All the excuses make one big ball nonsense.
-for me
-for ya'll
-for my happiness
-for my sanity

none of these makes sense to a thirteen year old girl.
And the 26 year old girl aint close to letting you make a horse shit of life right now.
So back off, let time take its course. Maybe one day, your letters will make sense.

yes, He stuck around

but did he do the right thing?
doubtful, after stuffing the kids into stranger therapy
most days i wonder if any of this was worth while.
then the next day, there is this message that you cant delete.
it sucks!!
she almost attempts to make you feel guilty.
except, what did i do?
i dont recall breaking any standard rule before this race.
but she deserves much more than a simple hard smack across the cheek.

sometimes it's better

i love being too damn distracted by the importance of today than the meaning the world states. June 15, 2014 Kevin's birthday. A great NASCAR Sunday, a Jimmie Johnson win. An afternoon spent in relaxation. Happy June 15th World. I enjoyed the moments that mattered today.

that letter

i am only human
i wanna read the first one
i can not forgive you
i do not forget
i cant wait to read your next letter...

so unless you can be the mother i needed twelve days before my fourteenth birthday, when everything started changing, when i needed a strong mother figure the most, i dont have time to listen to your excuses. if youre dying, write another letter. maybe that can calm a crying girls heart.

but until my heart can handle the shit you cant explain, do your daughter a favor and leave me be. im better now without the stress. my chest can breathe.


---thirteen year old Emily (06/13/2014)

Maybe, just maybe...

He could be there, in her dreams. After a week and a half of adventures in Chicago, who would she want to tell more than John. While her body is recuperating from the journey, maybe in her dreams shes describing every detail too him. Maybe they are enjoying a story on a beach, in her dreams. All I know for sure, this recovery time will probably last until shes ready for her next adventure. Get ready for Joyce Grace, Florida!

That's a new one

Manic Depressive

Not even the therapist/psychologist used that terminology.
Should I feel offended? Do I react in anger and/or disgust?
This is a new one.

Sure, I might have been acting off base, but I was in no way seeming nuts. I had a bad moment with my brain early in the day that would not give way to anything but anger. Did you really want to follow what road, out of pure stupidity?

Mom, Mommy, Mother, a.k.a. Mooma

I cant believe my brain recalls that last one. It almost makes me cry. Oh wait, tears have already been spilled. Today is one of those days Id rather close the door on, but I cant because of all the people in my life who still have mommys that care. Then I remember, Im not the reason this days sucks! Its not my fault, Its not James, Josephines, or Bobbys fault. Its Kates (maybe even Richards). But us kids, we did nothing wrong. We did nothing to drive a wedge in our lives.

So to all those Mommys who care. To all those Mommys who stuck around through the hard, who cared through the evil, who stayed with open arms, and a loving heart. to all those Mommys who made the teenage years livable, who loved unconditionally (without expectation), to all those Mommys who knew no matter the consequences, these kids are my responsibility. To all the Mommys who matter, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. Youve earned it.


---My Mommy, you can turn your back all you want, God is watching. Science makes sense, but GOD IS WATCHING.
And yes, Im still angry. You cant abandon your kids (even with their evil father) and expect all to be good. Time does not make this feeling go away, time does not makes these memories fade. Time does not heal all.

there is this CNN article that has me befuddled

Hispanic or Latino?

Honestly, I grew up a Mexican-American, born in the South (Mississippi), raised in the Ohio Valley.

And I liked that simple statement, no matter how long it was.


But Now?

What am I to think?

Am I more Latino than Hispanic, or more Mexican than American? Alright, that second one is laughable, given the snort. LOL.

I dont know where to identify. Or how.

For now. Im An American, born with mixed blood, under an American Flag.

That's good enough for me.

Lets Smile, Memorial Day is right around the corner.

May

May I please get the truth.
May I please not be lied to.
May I please think my way, not yours.
May I speak my mind freely, without question.

If not, then youre not wanted around here.

Lets go summer 2014

Gettin' it all off my mind would take too long

And if I could control my bullet points, that would be better. However, we're not there today. Today, it's all suppose to be complaints, but there are too many to number.

How do you think it feels? The world has just witnessed how weak the rest of the world thinks America is. Its September 2001. After today, how wrong could the world go inside our little family. We wouldn't know for nearly two months.

November 1, 2001. The day the world became nothing and hatred led the way. Momma dropping us girls off at the middle school, watching her stop at the red light, and take the right turn to drop James off at the elementary school. Little did we know, we wouldn't see her when we returned home that evening, and it would take nearly 48 hours for her to make contact. For heavens sake, she couldn't help but call on his birthday, on her birthday, on their birthday. In twelve days, I'll be fourteen.

Who knew being born on Friday the thirteenth (Nov 1987) could bring so much shit to one life.
Who knew, this many years later (its been nearly thirteen) all I want is for her to say the right thing.
All I want is for him to realize, he failed miserably as a father, a single parent, and as what was suppose to be a life long friend, the one man who would never judge, the one with all the right answers, the one man who was suppose to love without question. After all, you are suppose to be HIS DAUGHTER.

What terrible people they were, are. What terrible things they did. What horrid things their children witnessed in those few short years. Those are the memories that I want to be rid of. Yet, they are the ones, the bad, the scary, the fighting, the crashes, the tears that wont leave me.

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER. Always!

March 2014. I sit here wondering what could have been different. Had they never crossed paths, sure I might not be here, but then, neither would all the bad.

Your children look up to you no matter what situation life gives them. They want to know they can handle this because YOU (dad and mom) believe in them more than they can ever conceive. You love them beyond what human kind thinks is appropriate. You show them they mean the world and more to you. Nothing is ever too good for them, you put that thought in their head. Dont let them think otherwise, or they might end up here, in someones basement, wondering, instead of living.

March 15, 2014. Saturday, sitting here listening to country music (it calms my heart), finishing this bottle of rum, thinking to  myself, YOURE BETTER THAN THIS, yet knowing Im not ready to change the situation, simply cause I HATE CHANGE!

Oh Emily, clear your mind. What is it you want the most right now?
My brains answers, 'hand me that glass of rum'.

Over a Month Later.

My brain is at ease today. I made it so. I went out on my own for a little bit today to clear my mind. I woke up to a full brain making lots of noise. It was good to be by myself for that short bit.

And then, to the good stuff thats been eating my brain waves for over a month now! This might feel even better!

It constantly amazes me (i know it shouldn't anymore) how stupid people are. Now, I'm not calling them stupid. I came across them this way, and they amaze me, most of the time. How can you be so clueless to everyday happenings? How are you so lost in the city in which you grew up in? How do I know more about whats happening (when I'm trying my hardest not too) than you?!

How do I know, not only is she pregnant again! but also married? I'm more confused on the 'Married' front. Shes already thrown away one child. Do I believe the 'New Husband' can help her come to realize that this child is desperate for her? Stop being your mother! Keep your kids close. Tell them a million times a day you LOVE them (once is NEVER enough). They mean the WORLD to you and more, tell them daily. If you're not able to do that this time around, then yes, garbage that child like the last. Give them more chances than that hell family, that garbage of a woman. Do you really think she can offer more to YOUR child than you ever could? YOU'RE WRONG!

Then again, this is coming from someone who is still more than a hundred percent against all they showed us. The fights, the emergencies, the police, the therapists.  The strangers who looked down on us, even at CHURCH. The counselors, the Bishops, the youth leaders who didn't know what to say, or how to act. They simply did not understand, and did not know the right questions to avoid an emotional breakdown. The friends that turned their backs on us, they didn't know better. What do teenagers do when you tear them from everything they know, everything they can ever remember? Of course, thats where my blackouts start. When everything started falling apart, I lost my memory.

Some days, I'm okay with it. I cant change or go back and restore. I can only hold onto whats left floating through my brain even if they are the memories I don't want. Even when they are only the bad, the horrible and the 'want to die' memories.

2015, where are you, girl?

GOD, How many are you calling Home?

How many must you steal Home?
They are still needed here by their family!
Their Family needs them more than ever, and you steal them Home.

Yeah, they are happier, and pain-free. But their Family. Their Family hasn't had enough time to mourn John. How could you take Diane so soon? How could you take away an amazing Aunt, a beautiful and adorable Sister, and a caring and loving Daughter. How could you GOD.

You steal from families you put together (or so I was taught). You have the last word in where man/women spends ETERNITY.

I've experienced more Grace Family Funerals than I have Morales Family or even Brinkop/Swayzee Family. I find that unsettling!

How God, could you let this happen? And yes, I ask you, cause they still say grace at family gatherings even after Mom Grace has passed. They show respect. They show love. They understand, even though shes not here, there is still something to hold onto, and love.

2014 is turning out to be the suckiest year since 2001 (in my own personal life). January especially will never be the same with the Grace Family.

I'm Sorry. I'm sorry I cant offer more help. I'm sorry I cant find something to say that would remotely make a difference. I'm Sorry, Joyce, Amanda, Kevin, Jacob, Tom (and Family), Steve (and Family). I'm Sorry to all who knew these lovely souls.

I wish things were different.

this cant be happening

still not sure who knows, whos up and ready for a bad day, or who needs this info before the family is ready.
but this cant keep happening!!

One Week Later...

One Week Later, we're still trying to accept Johns death. It just does not seem REAL. Every morning, I think he's gone to work, but all his coats are still hanging there by the door. Its Weird!

I hope we find a new normal soon. I understand she'll be going through a lot, with Amanda over the next few days, but... Hmm.

We need new structure, new plans. Dinners, well all meals will need planned out and all so we understand where the day is going. This may all be to calm my brain, who know!! :)

but next week will be filled with lots of sitting at the table and filling in a schedule.  

HMM....

Oh Heavens, Im scared

Im scared all over again. Im in constant worry now, not knowing what to do, how to respond. Its all very confusing. And yes, Im feeling some anger over the situation. Some might say disrespectful, I call it part of the healing process. And IM SORRY! Im sorry there is nothing I can do right now. Im sorry I cant bring him back from GOD. Im SORRY. I dont know what else to say. Im lost in a confusing bubble of UNKNOWN, and it scares me!! all we have to offer each other right now is an open heart and a shoulder to cry on. And Im okay with being the shoulder/pillow that the family may need. Im okay with taking the tears and fears of all those who need to cry.


John Grace was an amazing man. John was a loving husband and father, a great brother and friend. He cared beyond his means, and made sure his family was taken care of. His love will spread well beyond his death.

We miss you beyond all words John. You were the world to some, the answer to others. And Im proud to have known you.

You will forever be loved. We cant miss you enough.

Please God, help this family through their loss and heartbreak. They need more blessings and help than can be imagined. John cant be replaced. They need love.....

Eight days in

And nothing exciting has happened. I take the back! Cougar Town premiered on TBS last night. That was pretty great. So already a week-plus into the New Year (2014) and there is no futures plan in the works. thinking this was the wrong way to wake up that first day. always have a plan or idea to begin with. so over the next two weeks (before February) write down a plan! put something down on paper! make something happen for you this year! Thirteen is so over! Fourteen is it!