seizures and the happiness behind them

yeah i know that may sound funny, but my brain is acting differently. i was not aware id notice the weird brain activity, but my anger is disappearing. that i dont like. that gave me ample reason to hate all those heartless bitches. my anger made part of me whole. and now im noticing it going away after the seizure. is that fair?! i dont think so. im still trying to figure out what caused it, but the after effects i could have gone without. the pain from the IV and that stupid EMT, the brain reconfiguration (the only way i know how to put it) uh! i dont know. im afraid now that a day will soon come where im ready to forgive but this year was suppose to be about forgetting them, all of them. dusting them into my past, things i can no longer remember. i dont think that's happening though. god what are you going to do!?!?!?!?!?! i just wish i knew why. is it the PTSD giving me up, or the drug and alcohol abuse ive suffered myself through the last eight years. i just want to know. what brings these on? i know they say its just abnormal brain activity, but i think with all the medical advances they've made over the last twenty years even, they would have found deeper meaning behind the human brain and the way it acts or reacts. see there's another one, was this a simple misfired reaction from the kitties being born? that would be funny and strange and sad all at the same time.

one day in hell

well, OK maybe not hell itself, but i think hospitals are the closet thing. yesterday i had an emergency medical scare i though i could avoid all together. turns out when your brain thinks otherwise it will send you into seizures. to start the day though, spotticuss gave birth. three kittens, unfortunately one didn't make it. from what Kevin said it simply didn't survive the miracle inside mommy. sad but were still left with two beautiful kittens hiding under the dresser until mommy cat says otherwise. i did get to hold one for a few seconds yesterday but mommy quickly came and took the baby back underneath. shes not ready for others to associate yet. any who, back to my seizures. have you ever experienced one? Its not the best of things to happen in the morning, but the hospital visit was one of my quickest as the patient. evidently as i was checking on the kitties yesterday something misfired in my brain causing me to fall face first into the animals dishes, i think that's what woke Kevin up. any who he said i was unresponsive pretty much till the medics got here. scary thought. i mean its only like three minutes but still, were on the opposite end of Broad Street. and the EMT guy kinda screwed up the IV in my left arm. It appears to me he didn't bother to straighten my arm out before inserting the needle. now there's a small bruise (yes, even smaller than the one on my right arm) but i can barely use my left arm without it hurting. there's no rotating it, lifting above my head or hugging Kevin intensely until the pain subsides. It seems to want to sit still all day. IMPOSSIBLE!!! i have two new kittens that need caring for when mommy cat is eating or sleeping. i need both arms! lol. I did get some crappy photos of the kittens. since they're hiding under the dresser they're really screwy.

 sleepers.... they are so cute

 a little later, on top of me

 finishing my lunch... they enjoy cleaning the plates lol

 sylvester being syllie

 mirror image of sylvester

 sylvester resting

 Emily before

 Emily playing with camera

 spotticuss charging into the closet still pregnant... this would be a before shot

 hiding from the camera

 babies nursing

 another sylvester look-a-like

 pile drive sleeping

sylvester enjoying his own lunch, not hounding me for mine..... lol :)

Happy Friday.... or First Day of Autumn yay!

So theres been a lot of brain activity in the thinking area. I never think thats good thing, this time of year. I told Kevins parents my mommy story. I think they may be able to understand better why i react in the fashion i do to a lot of things. they know about the neglect i felt and how i no longer care for any of them. its just easier this way for me to move forward in life, where ever that goes..... Im a little more excited than scared this time. I believe I h ave Kevin to thank for that. Hes been a great person, an awesome boyfriend, and the bestest thing I could have imagined for. I love him dearly. Now its time to look forward to tomorrow.

Here are a few random photos and one or two of me. Im going to try before Christmas to get updated photos of me and Kevin. Its been a while since I took on of the both of us. Maybe I should update his Facebook profile picture every month too?! Hmm.....

 a very sleepy kitty... theyre all so adorable when they sleep and take up space on the bed....

 Sylvester enjoying too many human things.... it might be time to invest in another bag of catnip... lol

 5am bedtime and then Spotticuss kicks me out of bed... FUN FUN

 Later on enjoying pancakes for breakfast... what can I say?!

 Sunshine on a cloudy day... its been really rainy outside..... 

you have to question where this started..... was he bathing or sniffing his tail, like they do freakishly.... lol

unfortunately i couldnt get any recent photos of spotticuss outside of the kitchen or bathroom. shes absolutely in love with the tile... it keeps her cool in her current condition. hopefully Ill collect some sleeping and catching fly photos of them all soon. as much as i hate the fact that we have to get rid of her i cant wait to see her babies. how fluffy will they be? will there be another sylvester look-a-like? which sylvester would that kitty resemble most? oh theres so many questions!!! Well just have to wait and see....

dieting and the hells involved

hahahaha yeah so i started a diet plan. not going about this too heavy though. losing the weight isnt the initial goal, learning to live a healthier life is. and so i've deemed Sunday a free day, i.e. i can enjoy a bowl of rice without reporting it. YES! see.... Sunday free day! but now its time to rest up for tomorrows twenty minutes of jumping jacks... :)

letting my mind loose for a moment

 the sleepy kitty always taking over furniture meant for humans. lol. they are so special though. anyone looking for a christmas present please call me..... i have a pregnant lady here!!

 Welcome to Hell. Ten years, no answers, and theyre both still breathing! Life sucks. September 2011

and the most delicious breakfast ive made in a long while. now all i have to do is keep up with the plan and all clothes will fit by February. YAY!

psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear,
even though the earth be removed,
and though the mountains be carried
into the midst of the sea.
Though its waters roar and be troubled,
though the mountains shake
with its swelling,
there's a river
whose streams shall make glad
the City of God,
the holy place of the Tabernacle
of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her.
She shall not be moved.
God shall help her
just at the break of dawn.
The nations raged,
the kingdoms were moved.
He uttered his voice.
The earth melted.
The Lord of Hosts is with us.
The God of Jacob is our refuge.
Come behold the works of the Lord
who has made desolations in the Earth.
He makes wars cease
to the ends of the Earth.
He breaks the bough
and cuts the spear in two.
He burns the chariot in fire.
Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations.
I will be exalted in the Earths.
The Lord of Hosts is with us.
The God of Jacob is our refuge.

World Finds Unique Ways To Mark 9/11 - News Story - WHIO Dayton

World Finds Unique Ways To Mark 9/11 - News Story - WHIO Dayton

today was the day

well at least im pretty sure it was somebody's birthday and yet i still cant remember. im not sure what to type this evening. my brain is moving faster than i can keep up with. my whole body hurts. i cant wait till next week when the body plain wont be so unbearable!! that might make things better. im not going anywhere in life. im not doing anything with anybody. im wasting away and for the first time it feels good. im comfortable. Kevin loves me and i think that's enough. i cant seem to find whats not there so... who knows! right... lol