Rules... for the confidant

#51- Sometimes youre wrong. - NCIS Gibbsism

sometimes, its even okay to admit it. but today is not that day. today i refuse to admit youre right. you are wrong. same as you were wrong all those years ago. same as youll ever be wrong in all your living years to come.

and then, sometimes im wrong. i dont understand. i dont or cant accept your actions. i cant help what my brain tells me, compared to what my heart tells me. i want to believe what you say, but ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

you taught me that. so stop acting, and start telling the TRUTH

something else youve struggled with. something we all struggle with, genetic trait i think. LOL

im not sure youll ever have the opportunity to see your child again. frankly, i dont want to see you alive ever again. send me then funeral notice!!

 but thanks for whatever God thinks you actually contributed to my life. its sure been a pleasure.

my new year will involve less past and more future.

(frankly, i make the same one every year, but i cant forget.)

it pays to be sneaky....

Today, I failed. I was recognized at Kroger this afternoon. Not something I had planned for my day. Albeit, it was Sis. Kim Sherwood who spotted me. She'll always be remembered as the nice church lady. Her husband was the second or third Bishop I remember while attending church. Her eldest son Matthew was in my age group at church, and for a small while, a friend. Although, that term was distorted when Rachel and Jarrod showed up. That story is for another day, lol. The Sherwood family, while obviously not 'perfect', still had something to aspire too. And again, Ive failed. A family with five children, sure you know they struggled. While I dont know the whole story or upbringing with their Rachel, I know she was a sweet heart. Then there was Sarah. She was nice, older than me, still nice. A very sweet persona. Then Matthew, the crazy bear. That's how I remember him. And Joe, who was friends with my younger brother. He was funny. And I think I forgot about Sam. The youngest and possible craziest. From what I remember, hes like Taz-mania, always on the move. Always running through the halls of the church. Making a raucous in the gym after services. And yet still, they have something to be seen, that after watching everything in my family implode, you desperately want.

I dont know. Theres just something about seeing people from that period of time that upsets me. They watched ffrom the outside while my parents chose better for themselves than for their children. Yes, I also understand that there was nothing they could do or say without appearing to butt in, and lets face it, we still are no good at asking for help. But I was thirteen, and learning to hate everybody. The List merely started with Dad and Mom.  

And yes, it might be time to understand differently. But lets face this one more time. What would you do if your mother left you and your family, twelve days before your fourteenth birthday. And in the coming years, dad will be very neglectful (or just too damn busy, hes a master at that!) and shove off into the next whore house. I mean, how many times must a single lady in her, lets go late forties, early fifties break a stove, or washer in one week before you realize whats going on! Even I wasnt that stupid! But I clearly come from dumb ass people. Go Me!

Well, the Rum hasnt kicked in yet, so lets call it quits! I dont think going any further today would be any helpful. Might just hurt me more. Im not ready.

Why not make it DECEMBER

hmm, how to say whats on your mind, without offending a person? Am I in hell yet? I see that the only place it will work. :) strong, loud! minds deserve to be set free. and mine kinda wants to scream. (sure it aint gonna make a damn difference, but shouldnt that still count?) im just sick of the 'you need to be nicer' comments. you have that much issue with what i say, blame god, or science. without them id not be here, defending my idea to let my brain speak freely. It all depends on which side of the line you stand. Frankly being raised in the LDS Church, and raised in a severely (several times over) broken home, theres a lot of argument. Of course, understand, they cant/dont keep promises, and your feelings really dont matter. ha. is it appropriate to say, "Welcome to America" btw, it really aint that much better. Freedoms are still being questioned and revoked. Since when is it appropriate for such JUDGE to tell me, a person they had never met before my time in court with them, what to do with my body, given to me by chance? this body could have gone to some crazy male psychopath? do you see him standing here in front of you today? NO, because God/Science (which ever line you land on) said here, make Emily. and now, Emily wants to rant. Merry Christmas!!!!!!! OR in your case, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!