people once asked

how do people forget things so easily? how can i make it so i dont remember? i remember so many things that would be better left alone. i hate to see me suffer. OK, so maybe that's selfish, but im tired. i hate feeling this way. depression literally has the ability to suck the life of you. some days i wish my would overtake me. just throw in the towel and suck my brain away. tens years and im still having nightmares, sweats, bad thoughts about everything.
to me its about time to change, and i hate change. its weird cause i cant stand not change either. does that make any sense?? every couple of months i have to rearrange my home because i get so bored by it. but anything bigger change kills. i hate it. but i cant stand to be here anymore. i want out of my own personal hell. i dont think that's ever going to happen.
i created a safe place that turned dark. i tried to hide, but they always found me. i need safe and controlled. i cant find either. i want so badly to move on. but it seems impossible. even more so around the holidays, when im bombarded with memories, some of which aren't even mine. i hate memories of mom, i despise them. of course i despise her more. who does that? who give birth to a child they never wanted? who hides the truth from their kids for nearly ten years? what kind of person does that take?
yeah, ive been lying to a lot people over the last two years, but no child is involved. no innocent soul will be hurt by my decisions today, and im okay with that. how was she okay with that? how did she bring me into a world where she never wanted me? whats worse, i have to often ask myself the same question about bobby. did she ever want bobby?
in my opinion only people who wed while pregnant are in it for the wrong reason. getting married for a child that neither planned or wanted is tortuous. and that's what they've done to me. ten years and im still hurting like it was yesterday. ten years, and still no honesty. they cant even decide who stepped out first. jen once told me this crazy story about them and therapy. and when i went to ask, it was all different. everything that had been said to me was backwards.
how do you do that to an innocent soul? how can you live with the fact that's shes hurting all the time? how do you wake up and feel? im tired of feeling. im ready to run again, which is very bad. im very happy with Kevin  just not with me. that makes me want to run away. that makes me want to follow her. that makes me want to be her.