Jealous

Well, that might not be the right word to use. Im just wanting more now. More than I think I cam handle. I want messy and uncontrollable. Is that crazy?? I want more normal, basically. But then I think of all that I would have to give up, and theres tears. Im not ready. I dont want to stop smoking or drinking. I like having fun our way. It makes sense for us. Yeah were in a deep shit hole but whatcha going to do?, right. hahaha. I hope one day Ill be able to say, ha! I did something to help. I made an actual contribution. Sometimes, I think hes angry with me because I dont work. But whatcha going to do? I kinda got screwed. It either sit here and be lousy or get the fuck out of Fairborn. I have no way to do that myself, so I stay. God damn it!! A million different other reasons not to take the next jump, off the very steep cliff, with no bottom for days. I mean years!! How scary is that...